Choices to make, things to do!

So I was thinking about all my teary spaz attacks and decided to just deal with it instead of letting it get to me. It drains my energy and makes me into a bad mood and I don't like that.

I quit smoking a little over 2 months ago. I made that promise to myself, to my family and especially to my Mormor. And I haven't even cheated once. Yes, I'm bragging because you know what? I fucking deserve bragging rights! I am now a NON-SMOKER! But I'm also now a chubby non-smoker - haha! So that's gotta change. I know my mom said that I shouldn't focus on my non-smoking weight gain for a while but I can't help it. It's bugging me. So it's gotta go.

Last week, I was actually thinking about cancelling my membership at the gym because I was always having a hard time getting my shit together but I'm going to give myself one more month. I have found some will-power and motivation and I have one more month to get into the groove of things and make some changes. I want to be a healthy non-smoker. And if I can get into a good routine the next few weeks, then I will keep my membership. If I don't, then I will cancel it and will have to find something else that will help me reach my goal.

I have now signed myself up for two spinning classes on Wednesday......

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on a more positive note...

I promise, I won't bitch that much today. It must get exhausting, only listening to bitch, bitch and more bitch. It will be a more of a positive post this time.

Things aren't too bad here. Work is busy - we just started a new season which means new kids and new parents and that means busy. I'll admit, I'm having issues getting into the groove when all I want to do is sleep but it's getting better. (I say that as I yawn and grope around the table, looking for my coffee....) But we have a bunch of new kids who are slowly getting used to our youth club and there are definitely full of energy and life - they are keeping me on guard, awake and on my toes, whether I like it or not.

I'm still being hit hard by waves of bad moods and PMS-like attitude but it's getting better. One day at a time, right? I am now on the war path in getting my life back to the way I want it to be - which is a longer process but it could turn into a fun one too. I'm not drastically changing my life - as I mentioned, I do like it and feel that I shouldn't be complaining as much as I have been lately. I just need some tweaks and some changes to make it closer to perfect..... and that's what I've been working on. I'll keep you guys posted.

Other than that, nothing new and exciting to write about. I'm back at the pub again and I have a double weekend coming up - Friday at the door and then Saturday in the coatcheck. It's been a crazy week with extra meetings, bits of drama and just no time to read my book and enjoy the peace and quiet my little home can sometimes provide. Lucky for me, I have a short day at work and then am planning on spending my evening here at home with my laundry, my book and maybe my vacumn cleaner - I haven't decided yet. I'll probably change out the vacumn for some knitting needles :o)

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mind zombie

I should be in bed - It's after midnight and I have to work tomorrow. And I'm tired. But not sleepy tired.... I'm so drained for energy but I can't sleep right now. It's been a rough week and I need an end to all these MEH feelings.

I shouldn't be having MEH feelings and I feel guilty about complaining about stuff because really..... my life is not bad at all. I have a great family who love me very much. I have wonderful friends who are there for me whenever I need it. I have a stabil job which I love - doesn't make me rich but definitely lets me pay my bills and still live comfortably. My health is decent - I can't complain there. My "love-life" is right where I want it to be at the moment. I had an amazing summer vacation in Canada with great friends and my family. I have fun plans and goals for the future. I love my little apartment. I just bought a Kobo and have re-discovered my love for reading. I just learned how to knit and I'm dying to work on some projects.

See.... I shouldn't be bitching. .

But I'm going to do just that.

I feel angry and sad at the same time. I'm in a constant whirlwind of emotions and even I can't figure out when I want to laugh, cry or shout evil things at the person standing next to me. Talk about your severe PMS mood swings! I'm angry at myself for not being able to get my shit together whenever I'm off work and sitting at home. I have a long list of "things-to-do" and I haven't crossed anything off of it since I got back last week from Canada. And I'm sad about leaving Canada and I'm angry at myself for ever making the decision about living here. I have the choice about where I want to live and it hurts so much, no matter what I choose. I'm sad and miss my parents and friends back home. I'm sad (and angry) that my Mormor died before I could say goodbye in person. I'm angry with myself for waiting 4 years before I got my shit together and got a ticket to visit her.... one month and 9 days before I was supposed to fly out, she died. I'm sad that I can't be there for my mom while she's dealing with the loss of her mom. I'm sad that I can't just fly back and forth from DK to Canada whenever I please.

I could keep going but I'm going to end the pity-me post now. It's seriously depressing. Yes, I'm in a bad mood and it's draining me for energy. I just miss everyone over there and I think the "end of trip" blues have finally hit. And the loss of my Mormor. She's gone and she's not coming back. Ever. The family is slowly breaking apart and it's because we lost her. I wonder if she ever realized that she was the fundament of our family.

So, what do I do to get out of this funk? It's not like I can just pack up my shit, kiss this life goodbye and move to Canada. And it's not like I can bring my Mormor back to life. I can't just ignore my MEH feelings and fake a smile all the time. But I'm tired of being angry and I'm tired of being sad. A friend here in DK, who knows me quite well, said to me the other day that I haven't been very happy for the past several months and at first, I thought, BULLSHIT. But then I thought.... I think she's right.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!

It's almost 1 a.m.... I should be sleeping. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

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