August 16, 2011

Posted by Rie On 12:54 AM
I should be in bed - It's after midnight and I have to work tomorrow. And I'm tired. But not sleepy tired.... I'm so drained for energy but I can't sleep right now. It's been a rough week and I need an end to all these MEH feelings.

I shouldn't be having MEH feelings and I feel guilty about complaining about stuff because really..... my life is not bad at all. I have a great family who love me very much. I have wonderful friends who are there for me whenever I need it. I have a stabil job which I love - doesn't make me rich but definitely lets me pay my bills and still live comfortably. My health is decent - I can't complain there. My "love-life" is right where I want it to be at the moment. I had an amazing summer vacation in Canada with great friends and my family. I have fun plans and goals for the future. I love my little apartment. I just bought a Kobo and have re-discovered my love for reading. I just learned how to knit and I'm dying to work on some projects.

See.... I shouldn't be bitching. .

But I'm going to do just that.

I feel angry and sad at the same time. I'm in a constant whirlwind of emotions and even I can't figure out when I want to laugh, cry or shout evil things at the person standing next to me. Talk about your severe PMS mood swings! I'm angry at myself for not being able to get my shit together whenever I'm off work and sitting at home. I have a long list of "things-to-do" and I haven't crossed anything off of it since I got back last week from Canada. And I'm sad about leaving Canada and I'm angry at myself for ever making the decision about living here. I have the choice about where I want to live and it hurts so much, no matter what I choose. I'm sad and miss my parents and friends back home. I'm sad (and angry) that my Mormor died before I could say goodbye in person. I'm angry with myself for waiting 4 years before I got my shit together and got a ticket to visit her.... one month and 9 days before I was supposed to fly out, she died. I'm sad that I can't be there for my mom while she's dealing with the loss of her mom. I'm sad that I can't just fly back and forth from DK to Canada whenever I please.

I could keep going but I'm going to end the pity-me post now. It's seriously depressing. Yes, I'm in a bad mood and it's draining me for energy. I just miss everyone over there and I think the "end of trip" blues have finally hit. And the loss of my Mormor. She's gone and she's not coming back. Ever. The family is slowly breaking apart and it's because we lost her. I wonder if she ever realized that she was the fundament of our family.

So, what do I do to get out of this funk? It's not like I can just pack up my shit, kiss this life goodbye and move to Canada. And it's not like I can bring my Mormor back to life. I can't just ignore my MEH feelings and fake a smile all the time. But I'm tired of being angry and I'm tired of being sad. A friend here in DK, who knows me quite well, said to me the other day that I haven't been very happy for the past several months and at first, I thought, BULLSHIT. But then I thought.... I think she's right.


It's almost 1 a.m.... I should be sleeping. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

1 Intelligent comments:

Deedee said...

In my vast experience (haha!), these feelings mean you need to make some changes. Take a look at what's around you, decide what makes you happy, and focus on those things. And if it means just hanging out on your couch, then fuck everything else and do that. Maybe you just need the down time.
Fate has a way, and if you don't figure it all out yourself, it will likely kick you in the ass and force your hand...and it's usually way more difficult that way.
Glad you like your Kobo. Loved seeing you in Vic. FB me and bitch any time you feel like it.